These Phrases from A Father That Rescued Me as a First-Time Father

"In my view I was just just surviving for a year."

Ex- reality TV personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to handle the challenges of being a father.

Yet the actual experience rapidly proved to be "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.

Life-threatening health problems around the birth saw his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Suddenly he was forced into acting as her chief support in addition to looking after their baby boy Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, every change… every stroll. The role of mother and father," Ryan explained.

Following 11 months he reached burnout. It was a talk with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he needed help.

The straightforward statement "You aren't in a healthy space. You need some help. How can I support you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and start recovering.

His situation is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. Although people is now better used to discussing the pressure on moms and about postpartum depression, far less attention is paid about the challenges fathers face.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan thinks his struggles are linked to a broader failure to communicate amongst men, who still hold onto damaging ideas of manhood.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and doesn't fall time and again."

"It's not a sign of failure to request help. I failed to do that fast enough," he adds.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert focusing on mental health pre and post childbirth, says men often don't want to accept they're struggling.

They can believe they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - particularly ahead of a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental well-being is just as important to the household.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the space to request a pause - spending a short trip abroad, outside of the home environment, to gain perspective.

He came to see he needed to make a change to consider his and his partner's emotional states alongside the practical tasks of looking after a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -holding her hand and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That realisation has changed how Ryan views being a dad.

He's now penning Leo regular notes about his experiences as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan believes these will enable his son better understand the vocabulary of feelings and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen was without consistent male parenting. Despite having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, profound difficult experiences resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their connection.

Stephen says repressing feelings resulted in him make "poor actions" when younger to modify how he felt, finding solace in substance use as escapism from the hurt.

"You turn to things that are harmful," he notes. "They may temporarily change how you feel, but they will in the end cause more harm."

Strategies for Managing as a First-Time Parent

• Open up to someone - when you are overwhelmed, speak to a family member, your spouse or a counsellor what you're going through. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the activities that allowed you to feel like you before becoming a parent. This might be exercising, seeing friends or gaming.
• Don't ignore the physical health - nutritious food, getting some exercise and if you can, resting, all play a role in how your mind is faring.
• Meet other first-time fathers - hearing about their journeys, the messy ones, and also the positive moments, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Understand that asking for help does not mean you've failed - taking care of your own well-being is the optimal method you can care for your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the passing, having not spoken to him for many years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead offer the security and emotional support he lacked.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they try "shaking it out" together - expressing the emotions constructively.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men since they faced their issues, changed how they express themselves, and figured out how to manage themselves for their children.

"I'm better… sitting with things and dealing with things," says Stephen.

"I expressed that in a message to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I said, at times I feel like my purpose is to instruct and tell you what to do, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I'm learning just as much as you are in this journey."