Navigating the Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership

As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men again.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.

Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle different types of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state may well change in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance to you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.